November Thoughts And Updates!

One of the biggest lies I convinced myself to be true was that success leads to happiness. It sounds simple enough, but just think about it. Both success and happiness have very loose definitions. Happiness is the state of being happy. Success is an accomplishment of an aim or purpose. So what counts as being happy? And what entails a success? Just meeting a goal, or meeting it in the way you desired? These two words are paired together often enough that they seem to go hand in hand. Is the happiness felt by success lasting? Sometimes I count my days as successful by just getting out of bed and doing the laundry. Other times days are unsuccessful if I check off half the items on my to-do list. Neither of these days make me feel overly happy. I still aspire for things I haven’t met, and desires still out of reach. Even if we look at success on a large scale, relating to careers, relationships, and personal growth, I think the question goes the other way. I could finally achieve a major lifegoal, but I still struggle to keep my house clean because of a depressive episode. 

I have focused on the aspects of happiness correlating with success for the better part of my life. Succeeding in whatever job I currently work, succeeding in my role in my family. However, at some point, I mixed up success and perfection. Because the only time I allowed myself to feel happiness in my accomplishments was if they met my unrealistic expectations, which is rarely ever. In short, I’ve kept myself from being happy on many occasions because I didn't think what I did was good enough. I didn't do enough that one day. I didn't finish my shift then go for a run like I planned. Perfectionism is the thief of my contentment, which I have spent the last several months confronting and trying to recondition my mindset over. So where did that bring me? Well, I’m publishing my first book next month. I have been trying to publish for years, and it is finally becoming a reality simply by taking a step back and asking myself why traditional publishing was my desire. Turns out it was a pride thing. I wanted to prove that I was good enough to be traditionally published, that self publishing was settling when I knew I could do so much more. That I was better than settling. True foolishness in retrospect, and I feel guilty assuming something as intricate as self publishing wasn't good enough for me. I was ignorant, and it cost me years of strife before finally seeing what was best for me. I love writing, I want to get my stories out for people to enjoy, and tomorrow I’m expecting my first shipment of printed copies. Who knows if I would have ever seen a physical copy of this book had I continued to shroud myself in stubbornness and persist to publish traditionally.

I’ve had many successes and failures in my life. But rather than allowing my feats to guide my mood, I instead want to go forward with a clearer mindset. Will I always be overly happy? No. No one ever will be. Disappointment is a part of life. However, I can still be joyful even through the parts I struggle with. My failures, and even successes, don't define me. There is so much in life to explore and discover. I try to allow my peace to lie with the passions I’ve been blessed with, not the accomplishments they bring me.

Side note: A Journey Paved in Shadows is available for order starting December 15th! It will be sold most places you can buy books. If you need help tracking a copy, email me at lue.thoughtsofagoblin@gmail.com

Most of my updates are going through my Instagram account @j.e.elliott.author