The Dream of a Goblin

There is a desire in all of us to create. Whether that means making art, crafting stories, designing buildings, developing life-saving medicine, or writing code for the programs needed to run a business is all dependent on the individual. Sometimes all we want to create is a difference. It’s a part of humans that drives us to be better, allowing us to see what needs improvement in our lives. Personally, as a manic goblin that has trouble sitting still, it’s a part of my life that shapes my view of the world. As long as I can create, the world in all of its beauty is a blank sheet. I’m inspired by what could be rather than what is. I pour my heart and soul into my creative visions, and for many years, that focus was writing.

Writing for me is many things. Sometimes it’s how I push myself out of my comfort zones and see things through a different perspective. Sometimes it’s an outlet for the stress in my life. Sometimes it is the stress in my life. But it has always been the main channel for my need to create, so much so that I’ve devoted five years of my life to just writing stories so I could be published and make it a full-time career. But alas, I don't control the way life works. I have two and a half books and many ideas backing those five years, but I am yet to be published. For a long time, I saw it as a failure that no publisher was interested in my work. I put all of my worth into the fact that my stories hadn’t attracted the interest of those who I desperately wanted to impress. I thought that my writing was worthless. I knew exactly what I wanted in life, and the fact I couldn't do it crushed me. Yet despite all of the negativity revolving around something that once brought me so much joy, I still wrote. I still pushed myself, and I still constantly came up with new ideas. The need to create never faltered, even when I dragged myself down into a deep, deep depression because I hadn't achieved my goal.

In retrospect, that’s one of the silliest mindsets I’ve ever fallen into. I confused my desire to be published with my desire to create. As a child, I started making stories not to make a career out of it, but because it brought me joy and excitement. It still does nowadays, but the desire grew more complex. I had a story that needed to be told and I was the only one who could tell it. I wanted to share my experiences, and help people going through similar ones. I wanted to bring comfort and entertainment to anyone who needed it. And I feel so foolish for ever having forgotten that. I’m still working on being published, but have also accepted it might not happen the exact way I wanted it to. Which leads to this new project: my own website. I’ve been considering the idea for a long time. The thought of a blog like this always interested me, and I put it off because I doubted that I had any thoughts worth reading, any artwork worth looking at. Even if that might be the case, I see this as a new way of channeling some creativity and stepping outside of my comfort zones. Thoughts of a Goblin will be the channel for my random desires to share my work and experiences. I'll write about creative processes, show my artwork, post updates about my publishing journey, and eventually set up a way to allow others to have sneak peeks into my novels. For now I wanted to set the foundations for why I decided to start this little project. If anything, it allows me to share the joy that creating brings me. After all, where would humanity be without the urge to make new things?